QUIPS AND QUOTES FROM Ally McBeal!:
"Love is an equation: a me and a you derives a we."
- Richard
"Men love to be thought of as funny... except when they're in bed." - Elaine
"It's one thing to bring a child into the world, but our world?" - Georgia
"Problem is just a bleak word for challenge." - Richard
"Parenting is nothing if not selfless." - Richard
"Well where does it say that women can't act like men sometimes? I saw a piece of cute meat and I said to myself 'You only live once. Be a man!' " - Ally
"Love and law are the same. Romantic in concept but the actual practice can give you a yeast infection." - Ally
"Who wants to be balanced? Balance is overrated!" - Ally
"This is the problem with playing games -- somebody has to lose." - Renee
"I can't do anything about it, but I'd be happy to sympathize." - Richard
"The only thing I know about what just went on is that it just went on."
"I'm nothing if not redundant. I also repeat myself."
- Richard
"Even if I get past all my problems I'm just going to go out and get new ones." - Ally
"It's not just winning. It's winning ugly that matters."
- Richard
"I dont mind losing, it's high profile losing that is not good." - Richard
"Men are like gum anyway. After you chew, they lose their flavor." - Ally
"Sometimes there's no point in the truth if the only thing it'll do is cause pain." - Ally
"It's not my style to care about others, but what's going on?" - Richard
"We're women. We have double standards to live up to."
- Ally
"Only think about this: you were going to take wedding vows with this man. 'Death do us part.' You parted, now what is holding up the death?" - Richard
"It's a party for everyone to come and look at you dead."
- Georgia on wakes
"If we win we are heros, we pulled off a miracle. If we lose the wacko goes to jail, justice is served. It is a win/win!" - Richard
"Are we a joke to the outside world?" "The outside world just doesn't get the joke. Fishism." - Billy and Richard
"You can lead a man by the penis but it's the wrong way to tame him." - Ally to Renee
"New firm policy, listen up! Anybody who sues this firm or me, personally, we all drop whatever cases we are working on. We devote all of our intellectual and creative efforts to ruining that person's life. Are we clear? I don't want to stop short with just getting even. Retribution is not strong enough. Ruin, that is the goal. Irrverisible, irreptutable, irrational ruin! New firm policy!" - Richard
"Everyone is alone. It's just easier to take in a relationship." - Richard
"Being a woman, I know how women react to things even when they don't mean a thing." - Ally
"There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to go forth and be vicious!" - Richard
"Sometimes... when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing." - Ally
"Verbal spankings leave me wanting for more." - Richard
"I think I need to believe that it works - love, couplehood, partnerships. The idea that when people come together they stay together...I have to take that with me to bed every night, even if I'm going to bed alone."
- Ally's first official McBealism
"The truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content, 'cause then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it." - Ally
"The reason John and I started this firm was because we wanted to go to work everyday where it was fun: make money, throw office parties, a fun place to work. I realize employees will always gripe. Part of an employee is to not like people staring at pretty girls, and not to like tactics used to win cases. It is the nature of the employee to complain. There is always some place better. This lawsuit carries the gripe too far. It saps the fun out of it for me. And since fun was the point, anybody who isn't happy, leave. And if you all go, we will just have to start another firm. There is always another one." - Richard
"I need to believe that men and women love each other. I need to know that they go home to each other every night, so I can believe that it will happen to me too someday."
- Ally
"Did you ever buy a lottery ticket? I buy them sometimes, I mean not that I think I would ever win, but I like to hold it in my hand, and think: What if? That?hy I bought that contraceptive jelly. I thought: What if? What if I?alking down the street and I suddenly march right into somebody, and we just know immediately off of one look that we were meant for each other, and it?ike Barbara Streisand and Omar Sharif, but instead of singing about it we go off and make passionate love..." - Ally
"The truth for me [is that] our friendship is the greatest thing I got going. I cherish it. And to put an honesty boundary on it... I don?ant to. So free fall with the truth and hope we both survive." - Ally to Billy
"Maybe it's because they say love is about making compromises and that's why they all get themselves into compromising positions... they can call it research. Whatever it is, I don't think I'm going on it." - Ally
"I didn't become a lawyer because I like the law. The law sucks. It's boring. But it can also be used as a weapon. You want to bankrupt somebody, cost him everything he's worked for, make his wife leave him, even cause his kids to cry? We can do that." - Richard
"On sex and sexual harrassment, women don't see straight. Women as a rule hate other pretty women. Women as a rule also sympathize with other women victims because they are women. Women want other women to be destroyed, but as women they don't want to be the destroyer themselves." - Richard
"Personally, I hate sexual harassment laws. The original force behind them were disgruntled lesbians who felt they were not given the same opportunities - along with ugly women, who were jealous of pretty women who got all the breaks in the work force. My cause to action is simple, women are victims. They need special help. Look, at the evolution of these sexual harassment laws. What we are really saying is women really should qualify under the Federal Disablity Act. They are less able. They cannot cope with romance in the office. They cannot contend with having to do a job and have a man smile at them. It is too much. Look where we use to be, first quid pro quo, then hostile enviorment, and now Seinfeld episodes. Women can't take it; they bruise too easily. The laws are here to protect the weak and most vulnerable in society. She is woman, protect her!" - Richard
"We just love to live in a politically correct world that is so evolved. Where did we pass a law against common sense? This is a French bistro. When people go there, they go not just to eat but to dine. The ambiance of culture they want to feel elite and sophiscated. A good gay waiter can do that. They have that snobbish little entitlement thing going. People like that."
"Gays are elitist snobs?"
"The waiter kind are. First they are smarter. They grow up reading more books, probably trying to figure out the answer as to why they are homosexual.Plus, they are terrible at sports which gives them more time to study. They are smart, they want to work in the arts. They end up as waiters, way over qualified, bitter, snobby. People have come to expect this when ordering a fruity wine."
- Richard and the judge
"Lend me your shoe Georgia. If I wanted to sell this, better to have you model this or me? Everything is about presentation, same for resturants as for shoes. What's inside doesn't count, its how they look. Fishism."
- Richard
"Georgia, give me your shoe. Why would a grown person wear these? They are hugely uncomfortable, make it easier to fall, cause back problems, but, hey -- call it fashion. What kind of person would spend an equivalent of two years painting her face and plucking out her eyebrows, and putting silicone or saline in her chest? There is a name for this kind of person, 'woman'. Why? Because, we 'men' like it. Don't talk to me about equality. Don't tell me you aren't disabled." - Richard
On herself (Ally) and Billy smelling each other's bottoms as kids: "It wasn't that stupid. We saw dogs do it -- that's how they knew for sure."
"Unisex studies show it helps men and women employees breed familiarity, so long as they don't come in to just breed." -- Richard
"Is that where you make all your big decisions in life? The bathroom?" - Richard to Ally
"I am human, I am tempermental, I am guilty!"
- Ally to the Board
"I like being a mess. It's who I am." - Ally
"Oh, forgive my bluntness. It's a device that I use to cope." - Elaine
"I didn't mean for her to fall, I was only going for a stumble..." - Ally
"There's just so many ways he wasn't you... right! Wasn't right." - Ally to Billy
"I am not a weakling!" - Ally "Whatever virus she's got, we should all be so lucky to be infected with it."
- Billy on Ally to the Board
"Sometimes I'm more persuasive when I lack conviction."
- Ally
"Back in high school, the boys used to call me the 'human window of opportunity'" - Elaine
"Reunions are meant to allow the more successful graduates to inform the less successful that is what they are, less than. You and I are more than. Especially me. I've got my own firm; I could possibly be the most." - Richard
"I dress slutty; just understated, moderately slutty."
- Elaine
"Ever since childhood I collected Barbie Dolls... I just never saw one in person, working alongside Skipper and all, I was just blown away!"
- Caroline Poop to Georgia, on Georgia
"We started this firm with the same dream -- money -- did we not? In pursuit of this dream we agreed I would be the shark, hammer, and ass, and you would be the pillar of dignity. This was the deal. Have I not been every bit the ass you envisioned?" - Richard to John
"Renee, you come up with sarcasm at the most inappropriate times!" - Ally
"She's two thirds of a Rice Krispie, she's already snapped and crackled, and she's ready for the final pop."
- Elaine on Ally
"She's always a little tickled by drama, in time she'll look back at this day and want to relive it."
- Elaine on Ally
"You know Ally, she can't even sit on a toilet with out drumming up a little drama." - Billy on Ally to Georgia
"Just remember, when you're with me you're not the strangest person in the room. Go ahead, get weird on me!"
- Ally to John
"I cannot believe the things that I am hearing come out of your mouth. But then again considering the places it's been I guess I shouldn't be so shocked!" - Ally
"You're wacko!" -Renee
"And I like it." - Ally
"What was I supposed to say? Yes, if Billy and I were on a deserted island it would be a completely horizontal way of life. Of course I lied!" - Ally
"Snow White. Cinderella. All about gettin' a guy. Being saved by the guy. Today it's the Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas. All about gettin' a guy."
"So basically we're screwed up because of..."
"Disney." - Renee to Ally
"Oh my god. Tell me he's not gonna do this."
"Tell me she's not gonna let him." - Ally and Renee
"I appologize for Mr. Thomas's hostility. In as much as I constantly stress the need for civility, he continues to have these reactions to witch hunts, particularly when they are so blatant." - Richard
"How impressed do you think this big client was to see you repeatedly reaching for your left nostril during your impromptu excavation project?"
- Richard to John on his nosepicking
"Isn't it rude to talk about somebody while they're in the same room?"
"Same room, different planet. Kidding! Bygones."
- Ally and Richard
"Don't even try to take a moment, I'm on to you."
- Caroline Poop to John
"Seems like you're nuts."
"I didn't think a therapist was supposed to call her patients nuts!"
"Ally, you've got a see-through baby in a diaper uga-chucking spears at you. You're doing this Lloyd Bridges thing through your office. You're a cracker. But that's why you're here."
- Dr. Tracy and Ally
"He's afraid."
"Why?"
"He's interested."
"Men are supposed to pounce when they're interested."
"Hel-lo! They pounce on the wrong girls. When it's the right girl, they turn into bumbling little chickens."
- Dr. Tracy and Ally
"What makes your problems bigger than everyone else's?"
"They're mine." - Georgia and Ally
"Do you think I'm nuts?"
"No, but I don't think you have two feet on the ground either..."
"You mean some people do?"
- Ally and Whipper
"The world is no longer a romantic place. Some of its people still are however, and therein lies the promise. Don't let the world win, Ally McBeal." - John
"One of the keys to life is the fast forward. Every movie has its lousy parts. The trick is to fast forward through. As time passes, you look back and say `Oh.. that little adultery thing, oh that.' Fast forward to then, right now, and you are over it." - Richard
"Whoever said that plenty of fish in the sea thing was lying. Sometimes there's only one fish. Trust me." - Ally
"If you don't kiss a girl on the first date, you're a gentleman. If you don't on the second, you're gay."
- Richard
"If you kiss him he may not stay forever but he won't be running off quick." - Billy
"Piles and piles of money. If I help some along the way great, but mainly I'm in the this for the piles, heaps, the really big piles." - Richard
"I plan to have character one day, great character, but if you want to be rich you better get the money before the scruples set in." - Richard
"There's no embarassing way to earn money." - Richard
"Make enough money and everything else will follow."
- Richard
"Sometimes to stay centered you have to embellish."
- Elaine
"Don't say you're sorry when you're not sorry! You didn't even look up to see who you bumped into! What if I was an old lady? I could have fallen down and broken a hip! I could be lying on my back in some HMO, my lungs filling up with phlegm till I'm on life support, draining my family of every last cent of their inheritance while I asphyxiate on my own dried half-hacked mucus! No, don't say you're sorry when you're not sorry." - Ally to man on the street (Acually an executive producer for the show, Jeffrey Kramer)
"I'm not saying cave man or anything against her consent, but you have to initiate some agression. You are the man. Grab her hand sometimes. You squeeze her neck in the back, half massage half 'you belong to me'. Sometimes you hold her by both shoulders. Women want to be dominated even when they say they don't. For God's sake, kiss her. The body talks, saying 'You are mine, you feel my dominion, and you want to surrender to it.'" - Richard
"Having a child is a selfish thing. Couples don't walk around wanting to give life. They say, we want a child. We want, we want. It is a selfish thing, a good selfish. Selfish. Don't punish yourself for not wanting to celebrate your greed. Georgia, you are entitled to meloncholy. Your body is going to swell and distort. Treadmills aside, it will never be the same. The infant is going to see way more of her breasts then you will, and when you do -- whoa -- the big droop. Then there is all the other: sleep deprivation, your face adds ten years first year. Then there is school. Education. Forget the cost, kid can't learn in public school and private. What if junior is in his third month and you miss the application deadline? Don't beat yourself up for not being excited. You are having a child here." - Richard
"Never trust a second thought. Where there is two there is three. You will end up thinking forever." - Richard
"If you think back and replay your year, and it doesn't bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider it wasted."
- John's mother |
